Laughter is healthy...

Sorry - no new humor. I've got a ton of stuff people have sent me (some I'd like to post here) Maybe when I get some spare time...

I found this site recently; it's written by an Australian and rather humorous... Toxic Custard   Enjoy!

 

 

These are various humorous emails I've received...

Thermodynamics of Hell
Sun Microsystems vs. Island of Java
God wins Publisher's Contest!
Stages of Life
All I Know About Computers I Learned From My Mom

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Thermodynamics of Hell

A true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

"I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
"With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. "Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

"So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

"Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over."

It was not revealed what grade the student received.


Sun Microsystems vs. Island of Java

SUN MICROSYSTEMS SUES ISLAND OF JAVA*

Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's Java* trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name."

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise.
The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island Formerly Known As Java*".

The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa has been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them...


God wins Publisher's Contest!

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - American Family Publishers found God in Sumter County. And He may be very, very rich.

A sweepstakes notice arrived at the Bushnell Assembly of God earlier this month announcing God, of Bushnell, Fla., was a finalist for the $11 million top prize.

``I always thought he lived here but I didn't actually know,'' said Bill Brack, pastor of the church about 60 miles north of Tampa. ``Now I do. He's got a P.O. box here.''

``God, we've been searching for you,'' American Family wrote in the letter, as first reported by the local weekly newspaper, the Sumter County Times.

The message was centered between two round seals requesting God to ``come forward.''

If God were to win, the letter stated, ``What an incredible fortune there would be for God! Could you imagine the looks you'd get from your neighbors? But don't just sit there, God.''

Sweepstakes officials did not return several telephone calls for comment Thursday.

Brack said a youth pastor collected the mail that day and pointed out the addressee. ``I read it in church a couple of weeks ago and everyone got a kick out of it,'' he said. ``It is funny and everybody seemed to enjoy it. It lifted everybody's heart.''

Brack said his 140-person congregation is considering whether to mail in the entry. The church could use the money.

If they win, Brack said he'd settle with American Family for 10 percent on the dollar and call it even.

``I'm willing for them to show up here at the church with cameras and me in my bathrobe as long as they write a check.'' he quipped.

And if American Family chooses a different winner?

``God would be disappointed,'' Brack joked.


Stages of Life

I don't completely agree with this, but parts of it were too amusing to pass up...

 


DRINKS

AGE

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 beer   Wine coolers
25 beer - Micro-brew or import   White wine
35 vodka   Red wine
48 double vodka   Dom Perignon
66 Maalox   Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser


DATING

 

MEN
(Seduction Lines)

 

WOMEN
(Excuses for refusing dates)

17 My parents are away for the weekend.   Need to wash my hair
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.   Need to wash and condition my hair
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.   Need to color my hair
48 My wife is away for the weekend.   Need to have Francois color my hair.
66 My second wife is dead.   Need to have Francois color my wig
       
       


FAVORITE SPORTS

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 sex   shopping
25 sex   shopping
35 sex   shopping
48 sex   shopping
66 napping   shopping
       
       


DRUGS

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 pot   shopping
25 coke   shopping
35 really good coke   shopping
48 power   shopping
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet   shopping
       
       


DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 "tounge"   "Burger King"
25 "breakfast"   "Free meal"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."   "A diamond"
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."   "A bigger diamond"
66 "Got home alive."   "Home Alone"
       
       


FAVORITE FANTASY

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 getting to third   tall, dark and handsome
25 airplane sex   tall, dark and handsome with money
35 menage a trois   tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 taking the company public   a man with hair
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave   a man
       
       


HOUSE PET

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 roaches   Muffy the cat
25 stoned-out college roommate   Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter   Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 children from her first marriage   Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Barbi   Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
       
       


IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

       
17 25   17
25 35   25
35 48   35
48 66   48
66 17   66
       
       


IDEAL DATE

 

MEN

 

WOMEN

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in   He offers to pay
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"   He pays
35 "Just come over."   He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 "Just come over and cook."   He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.   He can chew breakfast

 


ALL I KNOW ABOUT COMPUTERS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER


For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether the Tooth Fairy is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you wished for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that the Tooth Fairy is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real fairy.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.


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Send email to me at: alan@ajw.com
Copyright 1997 Alan Jay Weiner