Laughter is healthy...
Sorry - no new humor. I've got a ton of stuff people have sent me (some I'd like to post here) Maybe when I get some spare time...
I found this site recently; it's written by an Australian and rather humorous... Toxic Custard Enjoy!
These are various humorous emails I've received...
Thermodynamics of Hell
Sun Microsystems
vs. Island of Java
God wins Publisher's
Contest!
Stages of Life
All I Know About Computers I Learned From
My Mom
A true story.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with
a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have
some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving?
"I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if
you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
people and all souls go to hell.
"With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. "Now, we
look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.
"So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell
will increase until all hell breaks loose.
"Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will
drop until hell freezes over."
It was not revealed what grade the student received.
Sun Microsystems vs. Island of Java
SUN MICROSYSTEMS SUES ISLAND OF JAVA*
Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark
infringement against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's
Java* trademark.
Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for
centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all
that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose
the name."
Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change
its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but
an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them
otherwise.
The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a
neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java.
Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the
name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as
"The Island Formerly Known As Java*".
The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a
cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in
production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa has been rumored to
have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha
testing.
Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge
fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some
legal papers for them...
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - American Family Publishers found God in
Sumter County. And He may be very, very rich.
A sweepstakes notice arrived at the Bushnell Assembly of God
earlier this month announcing God, of Bushnell, Fla., was a
finalist for the $11 million top prize.
``I always thought he lived here but I didn't actually know,''
said Bill Brack, pastor of the church about 60 miles north of
Tampa. ``Now I do. He's got a P.O. box here.''
``God, we've been searching for you,'' American Family wrote in
the letter, as first reported by the local weekly newspaper, the
Sumter County Times.
The message was centered between two round seals requesting God
to ``come forward.''
If God were to win, the letter stated, ``What an incredible
fortune there would be for God! Could you imagine the looks you'd
get from your neighbors? But don't just sit there, God.''
Sweepstakes officials did not return several telephone calls for
comment Thursday.
Brack said a youth pastor collected the mail that day and pointed
out the addressee. ``I read it in church a couple of weeks ago
and everyone got a kick out of it,'' he said. ``It is funny and
everybody seemed to enjoy it. It lifted everybody's heart.''
Brack said his 140-person congregation is considering whether to
mail in the entry. The church could use the money.
If they win, Brack said he'd settle with American Family for 10
percent on the dollar and call it even.
``I'm willing for them to show up here at the church with cameras
and me in my bathrobe as long as they write a check.'' he
quipped.
And if American Family chooses a different winner?
``God would be disappointed,'' Brack joked.
Stages of Life
I don't completely agree with this, but parts of it were too amusing to pass up...
|
|||
AGE |
MEN |
WOMEN |
|
17 | beer | Wine coolers | |
25 | beer - Micro-brew or import | White wine | |
35 | vodka | Red wine | |
48 | double vodka | Dom Perignon | |
66 | Maalox | Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | My parents are away for the weekend. | Need to wash my hair | |
25 | My girlfriend is away for the weekend. | Need to wash and condition my hair | |
35 | My fiancee is away for the weekend. | Need to color my hair | |
48 | My wife is away for the weekend. | Need to have Francois color my hair. | |
66 | My second wife is dead. | Need to have Francois color my wig | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | sex | shopping | |
25 | sex | shopping | |
35 | sex | shopping | |
48 | sex | shopping | |
66 | napping | shopping | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | pot | shopping | |
25 | coke | shopping | |
35 | really good coke | shopping | |
48 | power | shopping | |
66 | coke, a limousine, the company jet | shopping | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | "tounge" | "Burger King" | |
25 | "breakfast" | "Free meal" | |
35 | "She didn't set back my therapy." | "A diamond" | |
48 | "I didn't have to meet her kids." | "A bigger diamond" | |
66 | "Got home alive." | "Home Alone" | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | getting to third | tall, dark and handsome | |
25 | airplane sex | tall, dark and handsome with money | |
35 | menage a trois | tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain | |
48 | taking the company public | a man with hair | |
66 | Swiss maid/Nazi love slave | a man | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | roaches | Muffy the cat | |
25 | stoned-out college roommate | Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat | |
35 | Irish setter | Irish setter and Muffy the Cat | |
48 | children from her first marriage | Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat | |
66 | Barbi | Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | 25 | 17 | |
25 | 35 | 25 | |
35 | 48 | 35 | |
48 | 66 | 48 | |
66 | 17 | 66 | |
|
|||
MEN |
WOMEN |
||
17 | Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in | He offers to pay | |
25 | "Split the check before we go back to my place" | He pays | |
35 | "Just come over." | He cooks breakfast the next morning | |
48 | "Just come over and cook." | He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids | |
66 | sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. | He can chew breakfast |
ALL I KNOW ABOUT COMPUTERS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether the
Tooth Fairy is a real person or not. Her answer was always
"Well, you wished for the presents and they came, didn't
they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply
when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software
or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling
me that the Tooth Fairy is a virtual person (simulated by loving
parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real fairy.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If
it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough
of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now
by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party,
she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue
telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to
the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and
groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing
machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy
engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical
pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to
come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes
to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of
paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single
stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in
order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O
operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to
reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at
lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and
so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized
and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's
house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each
other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that
can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
Send email to me at: alan@ajw.com
Copyright © 1997 Alan Jay Weiner